HOPS MADE ILLEGAL BY NEW FEDERAL LAW

HOPS MADE ILLEGAL BY NEW FEDERAL LAW

April 1^st, 2022

By Charlie Cascade

WASHINGTON (HNN) – A new federal law was just passed that now criminalizes the cultivation, distribution, and use of hops, also known as Cannabaceae Humulus lupulus. The anti-drug law sought to define and regulate marijuana, Cannabaceae Cannabis sativa, but the legal language used was so vague that it included the entire family of Cannabaceae, including hops, hemp, and hackberries.

“This is clearly a governmental overreach where politicians are legislating things that they don’t entirely understand,” said Hugh Paichek, a lobbyist and industry consultant. “Just like how you don’t arrest and jail a whole family because of one bad apple, or bad bud as it were, this is a gross abuse of power that will be challenged in the courts.”

Proponents of the law, titled Keep Cannabaceae Out of Our Communities and Kids (KCOOOCK), advocate that this law is simply closing a legal loophole that hop farmers have exploited for well over 100 years. “I don’t know what hops are or what they are used for, but they have Cannabaceae right in the name, so I mean, it’s really quite obvious,” said Congresswoman Shirley Madeup, who cosponsored the law. “If these rogue hop farmers in Washington, Idaho, and Oregon want to get on the right side of the law then they can grow a good clean American crop like corn or celery.”

As soon as the law was signed, the ATF and Department of Plant Protection sprang into action by tearing down the now criminalized hop fields. The federal agents have a daunting task in front of them as the United States has over 60,000 acres of hops planted as of 2021. According to the USDA the 2021 value of production of hops in the United States totaled $662 million. “We might be at this for a while,” said a federal officer who asked to remain unnamed. “We only have two shovels spread out over the three main hop states, but we are up to the challenge, and it feels good knowing that we are doing a good thing.”

The new law has already drawn the attention of the ACLU, the American Civil Lupulin Union, who vowed to challenge the law in court. “This is not only an attack on American farmers, but it is a sexist law that criminalizes only the female humulus lupulus plants, while it gives the male plants a complete pass.” The female hop plants are the only plants that are commercially cultivated as the male plants do not fruit.

Hop farmers in the Yakima Valley of Washington state expressed confusion and sadness as the full implications of the law are starting to take effect. “Not only was this law completely unnecessary and misguided,” said Jeremy McLupulin who runs a sixth-generation family hop farm. “But the timing of the law being passed is completely blind to the optics, like really, who passes a law like this on April 1^st?”

PLEASE DON'T SLAP US, THIS IS JUST A JOKE. Stay calm and buy hops.