April 1st, 2022

By Charlie Cascade

WASHINGTON (HNN) – A new federal law was just passed that now criminalizes the cultivation, distribution, and use of hops, also known as Cannabaceae Humulus lupulus. The anti-drug law sought to define and regulate marijuana, Cannabaceae Cannabis sativa, but the legal language used was so vague that it included the entire family of Cannabaceae, including hops, hemp, and hackberries.

“This is clearly a governmental overreach where politicians are legislating things that they don’t entirely understand,” said Hugh Paichek, a lobbyist and industry consultant. “Just like how you don’t arrest and jail a whole family because of one bad apple, or bad bud as it were, this is a gross abuse of power that will be challenged in the courts.”

Proponents of the law, titled Keep Cannabaceae Out of Our Communities and Kids (KCOOOCK), advocate that this law is simply closing a legal loophole that hop farmers have exploited for well over 100 years. “I don’t know what hops are or what they are used for, but they have Cannabaceae right in the name, so I mean, it’s really quite obvious,” said Congresswoman Shirley Madeup, who cosponsored the law. “If these rogue hop farmers in Washington, Idaho, and Oregon want to get on the right side of the law then they can grow a good clean American crop like corn or celery.”

As soon as the law was signed, the ATF and Department of Plant Protection sprang into action by tearing down the now criminalized hop fields. The federal agents have a daunting task in front of them as the United States has over 60,000 acres of hops planted as of 2021. According to the USDA the 2021 value of production of hops in the United States totaled $662 million. “We might be at this for a while,” said a federal officer who asked to remain unnamed. “We only have two shovels spread out over the three main hop states, but we are up to the challenge, and it feels good knowing that we are doing a good thing.”

The new law has already drawn the attention of the ACLU, the American Civil Lupulin Union, who vowed to challenge the law in court. “This is not only an attack on American farmers, but it is a sexist law that criminalizes only the female humulus lupulus plants, while it gives the male plants a complete pass.” The female hop plants are the only plants that are commercially cultivated as the male plants do not fruit.

Hop farmers in the Yakima Valley of Washington state expressed confusion and sadness as the full implications of the law are starting to take effect. “Not only was this law completely unnecessary and misguided,” said Jeremy McLupulin who runs a sixth-generation family hop farm. “But the timing of the law being passed is completely blind to the optics, like really, who passes a law like this on April 1st?”

PLEASE DON'T SLAP US, THIS IS JUST A JOKE. Stay calm and buy hops.

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  • Kaleb Schwecke
Comments 34
  • tom dominik
    tom dominik

    Is Charlie Cascade a distant cousin to Cindy Citra?

  • Shawn Stafford
    Shawn Stafford

    I was bout to blaze some Cascade…

  • Crooked Rooster Brewery
    Crooked Rooster Brewery

    Well played Yakima team, well played !

  • Gio

    This message has been approved by #wbelairtvnews

  • hsl

    oh that was good one! you’ve got me haha

  • Greg Sheppard
    Greg Sheppard


  • Mike McG
    Mike McG

    Amarillo mad about this azeus of power! I wonder if this will have a cascading effect on barley or yeast?

    Everyone please citra self down and write to your congressman or congresswoman to express your outrage!

  • Kim

    I was about a paragraph in before I figured it out, you had me hook line and sinker. Lol

  • Frank Higgins
    Frank Higgins

    It’s great to see in these times that you’re still able to keep your sense of humor.

  • Brian Gasseling
    Brian Gasseling

    Good one!!!

  • Anonymous

    Just buried several drums of hop pellets in my backyard. The USDA can pry the hops out of my cold dead hands (or just ask for them I suppose).

  • Anonymous

    I vacuum seal and freeze my hops. Have everything from Amarillo to Willamette including all the trendy NZs and Aussies. Prices negotiable and I accept gas cards.
    Enjoy the day and the next brew.

    While so many things demonstrate God’s goodness, beer sets the seal – well, sorta ;>).

  • Allan

    Love it !
    Knew from the onset it is 1st of April.
    Great Segway.
    As Ralph said, this is why my freezer is full !!

  • Roy M Ventullo
    Roy M Ventullo

    Well played Yakima, well played.

  • Anonymous

    Pssst…you. Over here. You need some hops? I got all kinds. I got it by the oz. or the lb. Whatever you need!

  • Walt

    Great joke. loved it. I thought it figures. Thanks for making my day.

  • Anonymous

    mmmmm ….celery beer.

  • Anonymous

    Haha not funny

  • Alamo Kid
    Alamo Kid

    Whoever wrote this is the G.O.A.T April Fooler. 😂😂

  • PindaLul

    Too Funny! I love the whole story line – ACLU … tooo funny

  • Anonymous

    Well played! With politics these days, who’s to say what is possible!!

  • Brian S.
    Brian S.

    Good April fool joke! Lol.

  • Mike

    You almost gave me a heart attack.

  • Anonymous


  • Greg

    You had me (not really) right up to the Congress woman’s name.

  • Anonymous

    Hah, you got me… lol. You can tell how confident I am in my government.

    Glad you reminded me of buying hops. I want to get some rhizomes this year (if not too late). It’s been a while since I’ve grown them but I’m looking forward to having some on my new property. Thanks and Happy April Fool’s Day! I’m a member of a cannabis forum and I’m taking this over to them just to see how many do what I did. peace

  • Bill

    Hahaha good one!!!. Good way to get us to buy in bulk NOW! Hahaha. Jason there is not enough jail space for all of us:)

  • Anonymous

    Give me all of your contraband…I’ll take the fall for ya!

  • Nick

    Is this a joke? Seems ludicrous

  • Anonymous

    April FOOLS!

  • Chris

    Great release and you kind of had me going there for a moment. I think I’ll order those Galaxy hops right away!!!

  • Anonymous

    FIRE SALE! better deep those prices and off load your stock before the Fed catch up to you.

  • Anonymous

    This why I stock pile🤣🤣🤣🤣

  • Jason

    How long am I going to jail for my freezer full of Cascade?

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